


Sparring Partners outtakes

by LooneyMooney



Category: Phineas and Ferb, The OWCA Files - Fandom
Genre: ? - Freeform, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fighting Kink, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Multi, OWCA, Perryshmirtz - Freeform, but it gets addressed really quick, kind of, many of the ships listed are jokes, mentions of canon-typical violence, only with science, ranting, some homophobic language, the OWCA Files
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2018-08-27 11:52:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8400685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LooneyMooney/pseuds/LooneyMooney
Summary: I'm working on a full, Post OWCA Files Perryshmirtz fic, and in the process of making this the best fic it can possibly be I have begun to cut out some stand-alone scenes for revision and have decided to post them here rather than keeping them to myself. So, please enjoy this random collection of outtakes from my Post-OWCA Files master fic, "Sparing Partners."





	1. Rambling Solutions

“Hey, listen - I know it’s kind of, AWKWARD, being on the same side now and all, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still.... I mean, well, I don’t hate you, not really, but I still want to fight you and it can be so AGGRAVATING the way you’re bottling yourself up sometimes; you never seem to hold back when you’re thwarting me, And I just - that is to say, I -We can still... fight. I want to fight, but not like this, not this... this, this frustratingly awkward silent treatment I’m getting from you, this AGONIZING fury you’re bottling up, and you didn’t used to be so ANGRY at me, at least not recently, and you, you’ve been actually HATING me BECAUSE you’re not SUPPOSED to hate me and it’s just... I’ve been thinking about this for a while now actually, like was it all a lie just to get me to not want to be evil anymore, but that’s not it because it was Vanessa who got me to be good, so maybe you’re just a subconscious rule breaker, like you feel the way you’re not supposed to about EVERYTHING, because now that you’re supposed to like me you hate me, and back when you were supposed to hate me you... didn’t. But that’s not really it, because you don’t act that way around anyone else, and when I was with Peter you were supposed to just... move on, but you didn’t. So it’s not me, and it’s not you, so maybe it’s just US... I mean, maybe you just miss fighting me. Which is... really sweet, actually... But how can we still fight if we’re on the same side and all? What are we going to be now that we’re not nemeses? And then it hit me! It was so OBVIOUS, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner, and I said to myself, ‘Heinz, you DOMMKOPF, the answer was sitting like RIGHT THERE in front of you, all you have to do is...’ but wait, I wanna ask you properly, I’m not letting all that practicing in the mirror to go to waste, so um...” Heinz took a deep breath, and looked at his team leader pleadingly from the floor. 

 

“Perry the Platypus, will you be my sparring partner?” Perry blinked at the inquiry. It was so SIMPLE; Perry smirked, almost flirtatiously, at his old adversary, and gave him a shrug and a nod. 

 

Grinning happily, Doofenshmirtz got up and pumped a fist in the air victoriously. “YES!!! I knew it! Oh, just you WAIT, Perry the Platypus, this is gonna be AWESOME, just you and me, at it again like old times only BETTER because now I’m on your side!!! Ohoho, just you WAIT, Perry the Platypus, I am gonna make us the best fighters in the whole team!!!” 

 

Perry just smiled, shaking his head as Doof dragged him over to the boxing ring by his hand.

 

“No, you’re right, WE’RE gonna make us the best fighters on the whole team, Perry the Platypus, this is gonna be AWESOME~!”

 

They reached the boxing ring, and Perry perched himself on the edge of it so that he’d be eye-level with Doofenshmirtz as the man geeked out over the various training apparatus (“LOOK, Perry the Platypus, they have those THINGS from STAR TREK!!! Have you ever seen Star Trek, Perry the Platypus? No? I think you’d like it, Perry the Platypus. You always kinda reminded me of Spock, what with your stoic secret agent professionalism - now me, I always saw myself in Captain Kirk. Not many people know this, but he's really an intellectual fellow, not at all the cocky womanizer everyone makes him out to be...”) Eventually, he settled for a couple sets of simple sparring gear, and climbed into the ring, handing Perry the white set while he secured a black helmet on his head, completely obscuring his choppy brunette tufts of hair. Perry took his gear and watched as Doofenshmirtz shrugged off his jacket, revealing limp, sinewy muscles, shifting beneath his all-too-real synthetic skin, his torso covered by a sleeveless black turtleneck. He slipped off his loafers, replacing them with the provided foot guards. As Perry slipped foot guards over his own duckish feet, he felt a thrill of anticipation rush through him. It had been so LONG since he and Heinz had traded blows... He had thought that they never would again. But, here they were, donning training equipment and getting ready to hop into the ring together.

 

Finally, they were ready to rumble. 

 

A few of the agents had gathered around to watch - amongst them, Perry recognised Pinky the Chihuahua and his team. Harry appeared to be taking bets, while Maggie ran commentary as though this were some big sporting event. Then again, Perry WAS the best agent OWCA had, and there had been a multitude of rumors running around about Heinz Doofenshmirtz- for them, this must have been a legendary showdown. Doofenshmirtz stood on the other side of the ring, his back turned. Suddenly, it felt as though it was just the two of them, back in Doof’s evil lair, and he was about to unravel an evil scheme


	2. Valentine's day special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for the absolute mess this chapter is. It is unedited, raw brainstorming of a potential OWCA Files episode that's been gathering dust in my documents folder for literal years. But, since it's almost Valentine's day, I thought maybe I should just post it as-is for kicks.  
> Also, apparently it's a two-parter...? But I'm not going through all that HTML coding twice, so think of it as a dramatic commercial break.  
> Happy Valentine's day

Sector D of OWCA must work together in order to defeat Nymphadora, an old student of Professor Parenthesis who studies biology. Due to experiments she's conducted upon herself, she has the ability to breathe underwater, as well as communicate with aquatic and semi-aquatic creatures. She is a reoccurring villain in the OWCA files. She apparently had a crush on her Professor.

 

She has created a device, a sword which is infused with something she calls "chemical cupid," which has a chemical base of cutonium. (Cutonium + pizzazium infinianite = cutonium infinianite + pizzazium.) She calls it, the "heartbreaker."

(Note - she is not using the heartbreaker in this image. She has a fondness for chemical weapons, and experiments heavily with variations of Pizzazium Infinianite, especially medieval ones.) (And no, she does not live in Atlantis. She has an underwater medieval-themed lair.)

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

(Note: This fanfic takes place in a separate universe from my previous Phineas and Ferb fanfictions.)

 

Previously on the OWCA files...

My new nemesis, Professor Parenthesis, is currently in custody, trapped in a jar on my desk. But other conflicts have since then emerged... Intergalactic terrorist Mitch has taken in local child Suzie Johnson as his apprentice and henchman. He's been dealing Cutonium to OWCA's newest priority villain - Master Nymphadora Lolliberry, the distant cousin of COWCA's top agent Lyla Lolliberry with a master's degree in biochemistry and marine biology. She has been experimenting on herself for years, and now has the ability to breathe underwater, with an army of mutated aquatic and semi-aquatic creatures. She's also been stealing the world's supply of Pizzazium Infinianite, and has already tested a number of biochemical weapons. As Valentine's day approaches, one can only guess what her scheme involves today...

"But she'll never be able to carry out her schemes if we steal her supply of Pizzazium Infinianite!"

“... You DO realize that I’ve already CAUGHT you, right?”

  


This device has the ability to make any two beings in close proximity fall immediately in love with one another.

 

Her first known test subjects are Maggie and Harry, who completely ruin the first mission to obtain the Pizzazium due to distraction.

 

The team rendezvous at OWCA headquarters, love-struck Harry and Maggie in tow.

 

They meet with Monogram and brief him on the mission, and he offers to interrogate their "informant" on the new information... Professor Parenthesis, who has been kept in a jar on Monogram's desk.

 

Major Monogram goes to his office.

 

But what they didn't know, was that Nymphadora was smart enough to have a cuteness tracker on hand... So now she knows where OWCA headquarters are.

 

She shows up and wrecks havoc throughout OWCA, searching for Professor Parenthesis,

 

"WHERE IS HE?"

 

intent on making him fall in love with her so she can crush his heart like he crushed hers. In the process of searching for the office, she shoots Vanessa, making her fall for Carl, and there's a very awkward scene between Vannessa, Carl, and Monty which keeps Carl occupied.

 

When she finds him in Monogram's office, she accidentally shoots Monogram instead of Professor Parenthesis, making him fall in love with the freaking BUG. And Parenthesis is just EATING THIS UP.

(Monogram's fighting with himself throughout the entire rest of the episode. ALL THE BLUSHY DENIAL.)  

Parenthesis reveals to Nymphadora what ALL OF US knew since like FOREVER: Parenthesis is gay as fuck. This sends her into a bitter homophobic rage.

 

"WHAT? You can't... You can't DO that! What of a woman's love, her passion, her fertility? How can you resist the call of a woman, much less a woman like me, for... MEN???"

 

Parenthesis smirked. "Looks like SOMEONE'S concealing themselves within the metaphorical closet."

 

Nymphadora sneered. "You're WEAK."

 

"Why? Because of my sexuality? I'll have you know that there is no better feeling, no greater power, than the ability to make men tremble before you, submitting to your every whim, begging you for mercy as you DOMINATE them. Just as there is no greater accomplishment than the ability to survive domination. I am not a pawn, my dear Nymphodora - YOU are. In fact, you're so pathetic, that you allow your heart to be crushed by a mere BUG." Professor Parenthesis sneered at his former student. "And you call yourself evil."

 

Nymphadora's head snapped up. "Are you suggesting that I'm WEAK? Look at me. Look at HIM." She pointed at Monogram, huddled on the floor sweating, mumbling to himself, having an emotional breakdown. She grinned fiercely.

 

"I just defeated Major Monogram."

 

Parenthesis rolled his eyes. "Impressive."

 

"Is that SARCASM I detect?"

 

"Well, yes. You may have defeated Monogram, but you haven't taken down OWCA quite yet. They're quite the firey bunch, those animals."

 

Nymphadora held up her weapon, her evil grin highlighted by the faint pink glow. "We'll see about that."

 

She exited the office in a bout of maniacal laughter; she entered the lobby of OWCA headquarters as music swelled before her, preparing for one of those famous random musical numbers villains and Danville was so known for...

 

_Can't stop me now_

_Can't hold me back_

_I'm cupid, so get ready for a heart attack_

_I'll break your soul_

_I'll make you feel_

_Things you shouldn't_

_Is this getting too real_

 

_My crushes_

_Will crush you_

_Chemicals are confusing you_

_Might as well just sit back_

_And get ready for a heart attack_

  


Meanwhile, Perry the Platypus and Heinz Doofenshmirtz hide with Karen the cat behind the security desk of the OWCA head quarter's lobby.

 

"Okay, so we are down to three -"

 

Karen gets shot, and starts yowling, chasing after Peter the Panda. Doofenshmirtz deflates.

 

"Okay, TWO unaffected agents... Man, she is REALLY going nuts with that thing. I guess it's up to just you and me now, Perry the Platypus."

 

_Because you're falling in love!_

_Hey!_

_You're drowning in love!_

_Hey!_

_Falling into my sea_

_Of conflict and casualty_

 

_And there's no holding me back_

 

_Get ready for the heart attack_

  


Perry nods. Doofenshmirtz hums thoughtfully, rubbing his chin.

 

"I think that if I can get my hands on that scepter, I might be able to take an inator that can reverse all this. But how are we going to take her down...? She's hitting everyone with that thing randomly -" Perry shakes his head. Doof's brow furrows. "What do you mean it's not random? It's-" Perry chatters and points to Carl, who had at this point had been shot and was clutching his head as Vanessa and Monty argued fiercely over him. Doof's eyes widened. He ducked behind the table and slammed his fist down on his open palm, grinning.

 

_The world is gonna crumble_

_So get ready to rumble_

_Don't know what to think,_

_Ya can't even blink_

_Or else you might just break the rules_

_Society won't accept it_

_Might as well just reject it_

 

_Can't take me down,_

_Can't hold yourself back_

_Bow down or else get a heart attack_

 

"Emotional conflict! She's specifically choosing unhealthy relationships to confuse and neutralize the agents! So that means... MEIN GOTT! I have a PLAN now, Perry the Platypus! But... But you're gonna have to TRUST me on this, all right....?" Perry gave his former nemesis a thumbs-up.

 

_And you can't take me down,_

_Can't take me back,_

_I'm not gonna stop_

 

_The planet's gonna face my heart attack!_

 

"Hey, fish girl!"

 

The music stopped abruptly with a record scratch. Nymphadora sneered at the German man beneath her with a growl.

 

"Uh, hi! S-sorry to interrupt your eeeevil musical number, it was TOTALLY hardcore, but... I've been thinking about it, and..." Doofenshmirtz raised his hands above his head.

 

"I surrender."

 

Nymphadora glared at Doofenshmirtz. "Do you really now?"

 

"Yeah, TOTALLY, 100%. You know, you are a very powerful young woman, and I... I think I'd rather not fall in love, I've had some ah... Bad experiences with that in the past... You, you've seen my files, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, anyway, I, I give up."

 

"What's the catch?"

 

"..okay, okay, you've seen right through me, I DO have like... ONE condition, just this teensy-weensy favor I'd like to ask of you..."

 

"Cut to the chase, Heinz Doofenshmirtz. I'm on an extremely tight schedule."

 

"I... I bet you do, what with, you know, taking over the world and a- no, no, don't point that thing at me, see, I'm talking, I'll get to the point like right now, don't, just - Spare my daughter!"

 

Nymphadora lowered her weapon. "Your daughter?"

 

"Yes, yes my DAUGHTER, Vanessa Doofenshmirtz? She's the reason why I turned to crime fighting, she, she's an intern here. Look, see, right over there, the brunette in the black boots and the HIDEOUS white T-shirt that says "OWCA intern" on it? That's her. And I... I can't stand seeing her like this, she doesn't, my baby girl shouldn't HAVE to fall in love, she can't, she's far too young and innocent! Please, I'm begging you, I'll give you anything, I'm an agent look, see I have a black band on my fedora and everything, I have clearance to all kinds of government files an stuff, and I can even make an inator that will spread your cupid power stuff all over the world with the press of a button, no hassle! Just... Spare my baby girl for me, please?"

 

Nymphadora's eyes widened at the man begging before her. Then she smirked viciously.

 

"You seem to love your daughter very much, Heinz Doofenshmirtz. You love her enough to make yourself grovel before the woman who has defeated all of your colleges, willing to make yourself a pawn to the queen. Love... Love can make a person do anything, can't it?"

 

"So... You'll do it?"

 

"Hmmm... I think not. See, I know of your daughter, Heinz Doofenshmirtz. She's a very capable young woman, isn't she? Capable enough to resist my rule, start a resistance... It would be foolishness to release her from distraction. But oh, you're not going to give up, are you? She's the only one loved one you have left... You'll do anything for her. Just like you're going to do anything for ME."

 

Nymphadora aimed her weapon at Heinz Doofenshmirtz, cackling insanely as a pink glow radiated from the device. Suddenly, a screw hit her in the back of the head.

 

"Ow! Hey! WHO THREW THIS???"

 

A platypus chatter sounded behind her. Nymphadora turned and got smacked in the nose with a wrench. The wrench clattered to the floor, leaving a wrench-shaped indent on her face. She growled at her opponent, who growled right back.

 

"YOU @$$#013! That hurt like 5√©{!^6 #311!"

 

"WOAH! Language! There could be KIDS reading this thing!"

 

"You shut the Atlantian #311 up! That 5√©{!^6 hurt!"

 

"Oy, TELL me about it, I HATE it when he does that! But at least I have the DECENCY to keep myself from cursing like a sailor!"

 

Nymphadora was about to respond, but before she could speak, Perry hit her with a toolbox.

 

"That's IT! YOU'RE going DOWN!"

 

She whipped around and aimed her weapon at the platypus, snarling.

 

"Let's see how well you can fight when you're in love with the fucking schnitzel."*

 

She shot Perry the Platypus.

 

To be continued...

  


*Before any of you say anything about the rating, I am allowed ONE (1) uncensored use of the F-bomb. This was how I chose to use it.

__________________________________________________________________

Previously on the OWCA files...

Oh, wow, we're doing a two-part valentine's day special? This is RIDICULOUS. Carl, is this legal?

_It's a FanFiction, sir, not an actual screenplay. The author can do whatever she wants._

Really? Wow, that's... That's terrifying. Who gave her this much power? Is this why I suddenly fell in love with Professor Parenthesis???

_well, sir, that WAS an essential plot point. It's how Nymphadora discovered the true evil potential of Cutonium Infinianite, the Cupid Chemical. Though I imagine that the author must be having an awful lot of fun with this, what with all the dramatic encounters, evil musical numbers, and strangely familiar cliffhangers._

Great googly moogly, Carl! You just did the entire recap for me! Excellent work!

 

_Why thank you, sir!_

 

Anyway, back to the show... Uhhh, what was happening again, Carl?

_I believe that Nymphadora had just shot Agent P with the Cupid Chemical, supposedly making him fall in love with agent Doofenshmirtz, which could throw him into emotional conflict..._

 

But Perry the Platypus wasn't thrown into emotional conflict. In fact, he hadn't changed his stance at all; he kept glaring at his opponent.

 

Nymphadora blinked, baffled. She glared and fired again. Perry chattered threateningly.

 

"What?"

 

She fired again. Perry began to approach. She stepped back and fired again, her eyes widening in fear.

 

"Why-"

 

She fired again-

 

"Isn't-"

 

She fired again-

 

"This-"

 

She fired again-

 

"WORKING???"

 

She fired again and bumped into Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Instinctively, she whipped around and fired at him. He looked at her, unamused.

 

"Wow. You SERIOUSLY think that's going to work? You thought that some magical love ray would change me and Perry the Platypus?" Doofenshmirtz tisked at her. She glared at them, now standing side-by-side as they backed her into the wall of bickering, unhealthy relationships.

 

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CUTONIUM INFINIANITE???"

 

Perry the platypus and Heinz Doofenshmirtz shared a glance, loaded with a million meanings, the most obvious being a mutual "who does she think she's fooling?" And looked back at the panicked villainess before them. Perry shrugged.

 

"We didn't do anything."

 

"...HOW ARE YOU IMMUNE TO MY DEVICE??? I DEMAND AN ANSWER!"

 

Doofenshmirtz leaned in.

 

"You wanna know the truth?"

 

"WHY ELSE WOULD I ASK?"

 

Doofenshmirtz shared another look with Perry the Platypus.

 

"Well, the truth is, I fell in love with Perry the Platypus YEARS ago."

 

Perry chattered behind him.

 

"Months. Sorry. But it FEELS like years, you know? And all that "emotional conflict?" I already suffered through that. A lot. And I've gotten over it. I think Perry the Platypus here has, too, or else he wouldn't really be standing here all suave and secret agent like next to me."

 

"But... B-but... But..."

 

"Well, Perry the Platypus, I think we broke her!"

 

While she was stumbling over her words like a broken record, Perry gently took Nymphadora's scepter and handed it to Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

 

"Why, THANK you, Perry the Platypus. You are SUCH a gentleman. Now, what do you think we should do with her? I mean, it's kinda tempting to just LEAVE her here, but I don't think that's really RESPONSIBLE, do you? ... Yeah, I thought so too. Soooo, what SHOULD we do with her?" Perry inclined his head towards a small pile of ropes and weapons. Doofenshmirtz gasped. "You think we should TRAP her? Why, Perry the Platypus, are you SURE you're a good guy? Because I think you just committed the crime of stealing my heart."

 

The two grinned at each other. Perry fondly rolled his eyes and hugged the doctor with a small Eskimo kiss. Just because Doofenshmirtz had been leaning over so drastically and their faces were so close together really, he was just ASKING for it...

 

The doctor blushed, but he was still grinning giddily, as he swept Perry the Platypus off of his feet and plopped him on his shoulders, so that Perry could hug his head and sniff his hair while he went over to the ropes and stuff to trap their mutual foe.

 

Later, Nymphadora was kept in a more permanent spare aquarium made with a super glass alloy that Heinz had invented. The resolve-inator was completed, and all those that had been contaminated with Cutonium Infinianite were once again back to their normal selves. Everyone had decided to just forget the whole thing, though really, it was impossible to ignore the awkward tension that now hung over the entire organization. Carl, being one of the few unaffected, decided to create a "social club" that was really just cleverly-disguised group therapy, which helped the mental health of everyone in OWCA and was actually quite fun. Heinz Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus were getting along SO MUCH BETTER - the entire team benefitted from their newfound companionship. Well, now so much newfound, so much as it was newly-remembered.

 

But it wasn't all fun and games, for during the chaos and confusion of Nymphadora's short-lived reign of terror, both Professor Parenthesis and his robotic suit had gone missing. Major Monogram, who had been the only witness to this, downright refused to talk about it. Although he DID start blushing furiously and denying things whenever it was brought up, and he always looked especially grumpy as soon as attention was removed from him, as though he were thinking about something that annoyed or betrayed him. But, then again, it was always rather hard to tell with that man, what with the handsome mustache and all...

 

Meanwhile, in Nymphadora's throne room, sat Professor Parenthesis, lounging luxuriously across her old throne, watching the events in OWCA headquarters unfold through her old crystal ball...

 

_________________________________________________________________

  
  
  
  


She creates complete pandemonium throughout OWCA, carelessly breaking and creating lovesick fools and broken hearts and love triangles, regardless of sexuality. EVERYONE'S falling in love, getting distracted, fighting through conflicting emotions. She purposefully pairs up couples that work horribly together, the most bizarre and unhealthy combinations. She's going to make the entire WORLD fall in love, and NOBODY can stop her.

 

Meanwhile, Perry and Doofenshmirtz are hiding, arguing... She spots them and SMIRKS. She's read their files, she knows they used to be nemeses. Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz. She had taunted him about it earlier, when they were breaking into her lair, offered him a job as one of HER scientists.

 

What better way to defeat the single most competent agent in all of OWCA than by making him fall in love with the most disgusting man in the world?

 

She shoots him with her sword. It doesn't do anything.

 

Something must be wrong, maybe she missed or something... She shoots him again. He glares and chatters threateningly. WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING? YOU SHOULD BE LOVESICK, CONFLICTED, FIGHTING YOUR OWN EMOTIONS, WHY ISN'T THIS AFFECTING YOU?

 

He punches her in the face. She tries shooting Doofenshmirtz. It's not working on him, either. If anything, it's making them better, more coordinated, like a team. Like PARTNERS. WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING.

 

Doofenshmirtz gives a baffled smile. "You really thought this would change us? Man, I fell in love with Perry the Platypus YEARS ago."

 

Perry chatters in agreement, smashing her sword. She runs, but Doofenshmirtz isn't letting her get away. He traps her. Perry and Doofenshmirtz high-five. Then they flirt shamelessly while they work together to create an uncupid-inator, using the broken pieces of the heartbreaker and Nymphadora's cuteness tracker to find and re-absorb all the Cutonium Infinianite, bringing everything back to normal.

 

But Professor Parenthesis escaped, due to a conflicted love-struck Francis Monogram releasing him, and he's stolen all the Cutonium Infinianite... Cut to Nymphadora's lair, where Professor Parenthesis has taken residence... DRAMATIC MUSIC.

  
  


  1. Pizzazium isotope has the effect of adding pizzaz to anything, infinianite is an intimate energy source, and Cutonium is a biology-shifting chemical to increase evolutionary potential. We find out that OWCA has been experimenting with all these chemicals and infusing them into animal embryos for centuries, attempting to create the perfect agent. Perry, as well as all the creatures in sector D, are products of these experiments, and have human DNA in them.



**Author's Note:**

> I'll most likely be posting other various scenes cut from "Sparring Parnters," so stay tuned for more!  
> ... But please, be patient with me. Writing fanfiction like this is my third priority, my first priority being College classes and my second being my Webcomic Ignitous.


End file.
